fifteen again...

fifteen year old me reppin' some really bad extensions

as of late my timehop's been bringing me various updates from my angsty fifteen year old self, and that combined with my comfort listening to music such as all time low, mayday parade and cute is what we aim for has had me thinking about just how much has changed in the last five years. 

it's funny to think about how small five years of my life seems now at twenty as i've no doubt that twenty five will creep up on me without me noticing, but when looking back at five years covering my entire time at school and then my entire time at college and university, both making up separate quarters of my life to date, it's become obvious that a lot of things have happened to me as a person throughout those years. 

i think the most significant changes have happened between fifteen and twenty, and in particular eighteen and twenty. i look back at my old status updates as a fifteen year old and cringe so hard at the way i'd express myself with such certainty, when really, i just didn't have a clue, but you can't tell a fifteen year old that, can you? i think upon beginning college and turning seventeen i began feeling embarrassed about the person i used to be, and because of that i think i changed myself and in turn lost a bit of who i was, becoming apathetic about most things. i remember at seventeen and eighteen i'd spend my weeks longing for friday when i could go out, get drunk, and basically just act however i saw fit because i felt that while i was drunk, i could. i didn't realise it at the time, but now i look back it's because i had absolutely no sense of myself. i didn't like things really unless they involved me getting drunk, and i thrived off attention from others, be they friends or complete strangers. i was obsessed with finding my value and validation from others, and i had to wait until friday rolled around each week for me to be able to do that.

seventeen year old me drinkin' strongbow illegally on a friday night

towards the end of my first year of university while i was eighteen, i started to get back in touch with myself. i'd found what i was interested in, and i couldn't have been happier indulging myself in it. come my nineteenth birthday and my breakup from my boyfriend of three years, i found that i then really understood who i was and where i wanted to go in life, which was such a drastic change from the hopelessly lost seventeen year old i'd been just a couple of years previous. in ways, i think my breakup was quite possibly the best thing that happened to me in terms of learning to value myself as a person, as opposed to finding my value in what others thought of me. i also think my breakup was good for just generally broadening my view of relationships, be they between lovers or friends, and i think nowadays i value relationships more, and in turn have more respect for the people i class as friends, and also family, oddly. in a way, i think the breakup helped me to mature and look at human relationships objectively rather than allowing emotions to take over, which resulted in me becoming unfair and irrational as a person. it seems silly that it wouldn't have ever been obvious to me, but after all we're all just human, experiencing our own feelings and struggles, and nowadays i'm mindful of that; sometimes people have to make decisions for themselves regardless of how they may affect you, and that's okay.

twenty year old me hopin' she's now got a bit of a clue

i turn twenty one tomorrow, and i'd be lying to you if i said i wasn't freaking out just a little bit. if you'd have asked me at fifteen what i thought my twenty one year old self would be doing, i probably wouldn't have answered 'freaking out about the future', as i guess i'd have thought that by twenty one (where you're officially an adult, right?) i'd have it all together, but then again i suppose that supports the argument of fifteen year olds thinking they know it all when they really don't. i'm currently looking at my life from now in years of five again, and i've already lived through one of them. turning twenty for me has had its ups and downs, and although it's been a challenge, i think it's been a good one for self development. i'm currently equally as excited and nervous about my life from now up until twenty five, as it'll perhaps be the most significant few years of my life in terms of finding my way in the world and paving out where i want my life to go, and while i know i need to have a game plan to a certain extent, a part of me kind of just wants to see where i end up (after having put the hard work in, of course.) right now, i'm just concentrating on getting my head down at university, pushing myself to create the best work i can, and then making the most of every moment at the graduation show in may and new blood in june/july. more than anything, i think i just need to keep working on myself and building up my confidence, and if i can achieve that, then hopefully i should be fine. 

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