appreciating happiness in times of sadness

lately I've been feeling a bit bummed out. not for any particular reason, more of just an overall feeling I've had over the last couple of months which just seems to have grown and grown and become what it is now. a couple of factors contributing to my discontented state are, I imagine, financial woes, worries for the future, and the fact that I'm not particularly flourishing creatively at the moment which would be useful at the moment considering my progression into my third year of university this coming September.

this overwhelming feeling of sadness I've been living with lately has really made me think about how good things have been for me recently, and actually, how things are still pretty good at the moment, too. since my last bout of sadness last September/October, i've pretty much been on cloud nine; I've achieved goals I've set, grown as a person, and generally have just become a more whole, happier human being, and it's not until now where I've been knocked down a few pegs that I've taken any time to acknowledge my sheer happiness over the last 10 months or so. 

like I said, it's not that things are bad for me at the moment, there are just a few things going on at the moment which are less than ideal, and after having spent so long worry free, it's become something of a burden. of course experiencing a wide range of emotions is perfectly normal, healthy and important for us as humans as, like I've said, we don't really appreciate good until we've experienced bad, so I thought I'd pop by to share a few things that I find make life worth living because, to me, they're such fantastic sources of happiness. 

#1: sloths 

well, what else were you expecting? sloths make me feel like no other creature does, and while I don't fully understand it myself, I'm truly grateful for their silly little faces and mid travel butt scratches. 

#2: ziggy

getting ziggy was the best thing my family have done for a while, honestly. she's such a fantastic little companion and so full of personality and never fails to put a smile on my face. 

#3: picture books

32 pages of stunning illustrations and a concise, thoughtful story always helps to entertain, inspire and enlighten me. 

#4: long dog walks in the sun

a chance to get out of the house, clear my mind and watch ziggy running around so happily for an hour always leaves me feeling oddly refreshed and humbled. 

#5: my mum

I don't often mention my mum, but I appreciate her more than words can express. over the last couple of years our relationship seems to have strengthened and time spent with her I find is always thoroughly enjoyable. 

there are plenty more sources of happiness I could note down, but I find that I find a kind of solace in the things listed above, and feeling content, appreciative and at peace with myself is something I've grown to value hugely, so whatever little things can help me to achieve that balance, I'm more than grateful for. 

being alone

 

since entering my twenties, 'being alone' seems to have become something of a hot topic. maybe it's just that i'm super tuned into it all since becoming single myself, or perhaps it's just true that a lot of people around my age seem to be terrified of the prospect of being alone, so it's naturally something that gets thrown around in conversations that i'm involved in. for me it's a conversation where i always end up throwing a bunch of positives at my seemingly far too negative friends, simply because this whole "i'm alone at twenty, i'm going to die alone" mentality really bums me out, and for a while i wasn't too sure about why exactly it bummed me out, and then today, it all fell into place as i read this quote on tumblr:

which was, not surprisingly, reblogged by a girl in her early twenties. sigh. ok, so i think the first thing that grates on me in this quote is the extremely potent "me, me, me" attitude. i mean, is the poster quite ready for the relationship they claim to so desperately want when they apparently can't even look at a relationship as two people working together, rather than for one another? don't get me wrong, like in any friendship, a relationship can thrive when two people fiercely support one another, but i think there always has to be an element of compromise; it's just unfair to expect a partner to always have to do things your way, and it probably won't end well for the both of you as a pair. after all, a relationship is about mutual happiness, right? sure, have preferences, or standards, whatever the hell you want to call them, but expecting so much of someone you've even yet to meet? seems a bit silly to me. i fear i've perhaps gone a little off topic, but i just feel that being in a relationship requires an element of selflessness, and this "me, me, me" attitude that a few people seem hold throughout their miserable pursuit of love seems to highlight to me that perhaps they're just not ready for it yet.

ok, so back on topic. i think what clicked into place for me while reading this quote is the fact that people seem to put an expiration date on finding love, and it seems that if you haven't figured it out in your early twenties, people start to panic for themselves, but also for others. a friend of mine is currently having relationship problems, and while speaking to her she confessed to a) being scared of being alone, and b) never finding anybody else to be with, which just makes me so, so sad. on top of this, her mother also expressed her worry to me regarding it because she "thought this was it" and that "she'd settled down" with her boyfriend.

ok, so, firstly my friend's scared to be alone, which i find the most saddening part of all, because it really makes no sense to me. don't get me wrong, i understand why relationships are desirable – stability, comfort and an overriding knowledge that you are loved can definitely contribute to one's happiness – but i think people's desires for relationships can often lead to them losing their sense of self when becoming so obsessed with the idea of being a part of a couple, and in turn perhaps lead to their unhappiness when they fail to find this relationship that they desire so much. since becoming single i've realised these facts all the more, and i've really taken the time to begin loving and understanding myself, cementing my own foundation of happiness, and do you know what? it's all worked. i'm really quite content being on my own at the minute, so much so that the idea of being with someone right now freaks me out a little bit – i mean, there's so much right now that i want to do, and how can i possibly get on with it all if i've got another, real life person's emotions to take into consideration? well, i probably could do it, but it'd be a lot bloody harder for me and i might miss out on opportunities i might not want to, which honestly, i don't want to have to do. i don't want to compromise my life right now because i'm shaping myself as a person and a future for myself as the person i want to be. i know it's selfish of me, but if you can't be selfish while you're still young, when can you be? with age seems to come more responsibility with things such as relationships and family interfering, so why not make the most of being selfish while it's, effectively, not harming anybody else? it just seems so silly to me that people are scared of having so much freedom and so much space to be so unapologetically themselves.

secondly, the fear of never finding anybody else just really strikes me as people being overly melodramatic, especially when they're only in their early twenties. in most cases, these people have already had a handful of relationships in their mere 20 years on the earth, so for them to honestly believe that in their remaining 60 or whatever years they may never find another person who's romantically interested in them is just down right bonkers. maybe it's because in the last 8 years i've watched my parents divorce and both find love again in such a short space of time, but i really, truly believe that all of us can find someone who really, genuinely loves us, whether it takes us 2 months, 2 years or 20 years. i just think it's really unlikely that in time you won't find another human being that you connect with on such a level. perhaps i'm overly optimistic, but i'd like to think that however many years down the line, when i'm ready for another relationship, i'll be able to find one, and i think my time alone where i've been forced to love myself has helped me to truly believe that i'm worthy of love again, and that in itself probably makes it more attainable; i honestly never used to understand the phrase "you can't love anybody else until you love yourself," but now i think i finally do. for now though, i don't let the idea of finding somebody else plague me because being on my own is okay. i'm not in a rush to find love.

lastly, i also think it's pretty sad how we allow other people's expectations and opinions to affect our relationships and views on them. my own parents often pass comments about me still not having found somebody else (i've only been single for 9 months for christs' sake,) but because i'm truly happy being on my own, their comments don't bother me. i know other people who don't feel the same way, however, and openly speak to me about how it upsets them that they've their own romantic expectations to deal with as well as their parents expectations about their romantic relationships. i just think the whole thing really, really sucks, and it's something that seems to be embedded deeply into our society from what i've observed. i find it rather ironic actually that others feel the need to be so involved with people's relationships, when a lot of the time, it's their involvement that can often turn things sour due to their opinions and expectations that really aren't theirs to possess in regards to someone else's relationship. then again, could this unnecessary involvement in other people's lives reflect an unhappiness with their own lives, romantic or not? is the issue just that people nowadays seem to just be so bloody miserable, and is that misery a result of the social expectations relating to romance and how so many people seem to fall short of them in their early twenties when it's perfectly fine for it to be that way? these are the questions this quote got me asking myself, and at the end of it i'm all the more happy that my own single status doesn't fill me with such awful, negative emotions. 

this has been a little bit longer than i initially thought it might have been, but it's been something i've really quite enjoyed just typing out and attempting to understanding a little bit better myself. so, what do you think? is being alone really that bad, or can you also see the positives of being a free spirit?

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sunday synopsis: waving goodbye to colville street

yesterday i moved back home from my second year student house, and surprisingly it's got me feeling a little bit sentimental. admittedly, the house was a bit naff, my room was also naff, but for the past year it's been the place i've called home, and my room provided me with my own little escape from reality whenever i needed it, and after sharing a room throughout my first year of university, i truly learnt how important it is to have your own space available for whenever you're needing a little bit of down time away from the rest of the world (it also helps around deadlines when you're stressed about workload, but that's another story entirely!)

as my room doubles up as both a bedroom and a studio, i did all i could to try and make it feel a little cosier and more homely as i knew i'd be spending a lot of time in it; putting up art from some of my favourite illustrators provided me with something of a 'wall of inspiration' while providing a lived in, homely aesthetic, sitting mallory the sloth on my bed provided me with a stuffed buddy to cuddle up with while binge watching series of new girl, a scented candle on my chest of drawers helped me to unwind on an evening after a day of hard work, and the fairy lights provided me with a dim, cosy atmosphere to get in bed and read a book within. they all seem like such silly, insignificant touches, but they really helped me to feel as though the place was my home and that spending time within it could be an enjoyable experience.

i've spent evenings grafting at my desk desperately trying to complete work for deadlines, spilt vodka all over it during predrinks resulting in an unfortunate sticky mess to deal with the next morning, and sat at it typing frantically away on my laptop compiling the coming week's blog posts. i've laid in bed for hours on an evening sobbing hysterically along to television series, i've spent hours laid in it the morning after a night out in hysterics with friends, and i've flopped into it after deadlines and thanked my lucky stars that i had such a seemingly idyllic place to revert to whenever i found it necessary. my room's provided me with the space i've needed throughout the year, whether it was alone or within the company of others, and a lot of fond memories were created within its four walls. cheesy, i know, i'm making myself want to vom, but it's all very true.

when you rock up to university on your first day as a clueless fresher, you don't quite believe your tutors when they tell you that your time there will fly, but now i'm nearing the start of my third year, i can't believe just how true their words were. you so often read about times within people's lives where they go on some kind of journey of self discovery, and i really think my second year of university has been that for me. the first few months of university were a struggle for me as i was having troubles with confidence, relationships and generally understanding my own character, and although those months were really tough for me, because of them i've emerged more confident and reassured of my person, strengths and goals for the future, and i'm really, really proud that i stuck at it and pulled myself through, and now i think i'm doing alright. at least, i'm happy, that's the most important thing.

with the end of second year comes the inevitable fact that university is going to end altogether, and it's something that i'm not all that prepared to deal with at the moment. i've met a fantastic bunch of people who i have the most fun with, and i've also met a couple of people who have become my best friends. the sense of community i feel while at university is like none i've felt before, like i'm part of a group of people who all kind of give a crap about me, or at least want me around, and that general feeling seems to be present throughout the entire group, which is really nice. it'll be strange when we all move back to our various homes within the uk and aren't a ten minute walk from one another, and the idea of not being able to quickly meet up whenever we're fancying a spontaneous night out or trips to mcdonald's truly sucks, but i suppose that's another one of those things that comes with growing up. perhaps it's the spontaneity of things that gives university it's overall appeal for me, it's nice to feel that although you have deadlines and workloads, you don't actually have any real life commitments that stop you from going out and having fun whenever you desire it.

i suppose i've gone off on a tangent, but i can't help but feel a slight sense of nostalgia for university before i've even left, and it's really got me thinking about appreciating every minute of the year that lies ahead of me, which for me means making the most of my education as well as my friends. towards the end of first year i was considering moving university to pursue an illustration degree, and one year down the line i couldn't be more glad that i didn't. the support i've received from tutors has been truly overwhelming; they've really helped to shape my overall university experience, and for that i couldn't be more grateful. they've supported my creative choices and aspirations, encouraged me to push and better myself, and have altogether brought out a sense of confidence and pride that i never thought attainable for myself. i remember one of my goals for the coming year within my year one reflective report was to feel more confident when presenting my work, and hey presto, one year on and the idea of presenting my work even sounds fun to me at times - now that's what i call an achievement.

university has, and probably will continue to be, fantastic for me. i'm really glad to know that whenever i get asked about university in the future, i'll be able to answer positively about so many of the different aspects of it that helped to shape me into who i'll be. let's hope that my third year house provides me with a bedroom that also encourages such heartfelt blabberings, ey?

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my eyebrow 'journey'

after wednesday's post raving about the e.l.f. treat and tame, it got me thinking about the trauma that my poor eyebrows have endured over the past couple of years, so i thought i'd put together an illustrated example of the journey that my eyebrows have been on up until this very day for both yours and my own amusement. erm, so, enjoy, i guess?!

left: before the brow obsession kicked in | right: lightly filled in with powder

left: in comes the eybrow pencil, very heavily! | right: the beginning of the plucking, gulp

 left: even more plucking, eep! | right: the introduction of powder again, ahh

above: how my brows are doing nowadays

as is evident in the first picture, before i'd started on the madness that has been my 'eyebrow journey', it's very clear that i'm not very blessed in the eyebrow department, and neither are any of the other females in my family, for that matter! *long sigh* what a thing to be envious of the males for, eh?!

my eyebrow 'obsession' began in late 2011, and since then has fuelled the relentless plucking, filling in, growing and general aggro that has surrounded them. regardless of my naturally sparse brows, i'd like to think that over the last few years i've learnt a trick or two about playing the old deception game that is filling them in, however devastating it's been for my poor brows on occasions. i'd like to think i've come out of the experience a little bit wiser, knowing that powders are the best for natural looking brows and also encourage growth, and pencils, for thin brows, are somewhat catastrophic and encourage the downwards slope that is attacking your brows until there's not much left to achieve the drawn on, sharp look that a pencil is often only really any good for; of course, everybody has their own brow tool preferences, but i soon tired of the blatantly drawn on look.

three years on from the start of my obsession and i'm happy with my eyebrows' progress. god bless 'em, they're getting there, and i'll now continue to nurture and care for them until they're as thick and majestic as my genetics and trickery allow me to achieve.

i hope you've had a little bit of a giggle along to this, but also, if you're relatively new to the eyebrow taming game, i hope you may also have taken a bit of knowledge away about how over plucking your eyebrows is bad. trust me, if you don't believe me now, you will once you've plucked them all away! surprisingly, i've never actually stumbled upon any of these posts on any of the blogs i read, so if you choose to share your own 'eyebrow journey', please leave me a link to it so i can check it out! i frequently have this chat with a friend of mine and it always leads to fits of giggles, so why not look a little silly for a moment and spread a bit of laughter?!

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