it's five minutes to midnight and i'm laid in bed hungry but it's too late to eat. i've had another unsuccessful week work wise and it's starting to take its toll. as a third year i'm racking up an insane amount of work as i'm attempting to complete four different briefs within the same module alongside writing my dissertation, and while i'm struggling to create work i like, i'm falling further and further behind. the frustrating thing about illustration is that you have to put the time into creating an image before you can decide whether or not it works, and sometimes that time can be several hours of your day, which of course isn't helpful when you're having to organise and prioritise your time down to individual days. i'm not sure what to do at the moment other than to keep working, but it's hard when for the last three weeks i've been nothing but bitterly disappointed. i've never felt so in out of my depth before, and i'm honestly wishing i could just drop out, take some time, and come back to my work when i feel like i've pulled it together because my deadlines perhaps won't allow me the time i need to pull it together. i'm completing briefs, sure, but nothing's satisfying me, nothing's worthy of merit, praise, or a place in my portfolio and it's disheartening. i can't see the point in completing briefs if the end result isn't something to be proud of, particularly as a third year student who should be on top of themselves and building a portfolio that will see them through graduation and into the real world. i hate to admit it, but i'm struggling. work's been hard before, sure, but i've never felt like i can't physically complete tasks like i do now.
in other news, halloween was on friday and a couple of friends from home came to stay with me and my housemate for the evening. it was a pretty naff night out, what with the club we went to being over crowded and sweaty, but we made the most of each other's company and it turned out alright in the end, seeing us carving pumpkins together before we went out, and then retreating home just after midnight in favour of a pizza and a chat in our pyjamas. in an attempt to save money this year i scrapped the idea of dressing up as a sloth and instead dressed up as something i didn't have to buy an outfit for, and ended up dressing up as a doll by throwing on my black velvet dress, a collared shirt and a neck bow. i put a few quid into buying eyelashes and white foundation, but it hardly made a dint in my bank account. i felt like this year's attempt was a little sloppy compared to my goblin king offering last year, but for the hour and half we actually spent out of the house, it wouldn't have been worth pouring too much time and effort into a great costume.
my sloth-o-lantern to the left, and emily's, alice's and jenny's pumpkins to the right in our pumpkin family picture